I was able to consciously observe and stop a point from being suppressed.
Check this out,
New girl: talkative, cute, smart, expressive
Me: patient, good listener, compassionate
After a week and half, I started to feel “communicatively cramped”
My patience runs thinner as remain considerate and patient beyond what’s comfortable. Now, I chalk it up to our different communication styles, her’s more assertive than mine; but initially, my reaction is to project my frustration. I think it’s an ego protection mechanism: blindness of self; taking myself out of the equation so I don’t have to change.
So, not being able to express myself as fully as I would like because she is talkative, created a frustration of which thought-blame served as a futile outlet, only supporting me in my efforts to suppress the frustration point and in so doing, furthering me from realizing myself as the cause.
I realized the suppression when it expressed itself through my choice of words/tone, essentially where I was speaking from(the feeling/motivation behind my message). When caught myself, I was like “WOAH,” I am NOT going into this familiar destructive relationship dynamic. Not this time, not again.
First, I internalize the frustration, and take responsibility for not taking more control of the flow of conversation. I’d be way happy with equal relational input, across the board. Wouldn’t anyone? But I now understand that I have to identify and overcome my own communication fears and facilitate that equal communication climate.
Second step, started writing this post.
Then, I had a (not-so, should been more) delicate conversation with her. But at least I stood up and spoke about what I was beginning to suppress. Graceful honesty doesn’t come naturally. “Practice, makes perfect” I suppose.
The key lies in taking responsibility for my own internal experience; although, it is not instantly apparent when I blame or push responsibility onto others. I do it. It’s tricky because from the ignorant mindset of ego, how would you ever come to realize something like this.. As I continue to align my perspective with Best for All, I continue to expose myself to myself and see myself from a more vast perspective than my mind would normally allow. If I keep this suppression awareness up, I will theoretically eventually expose all fears and insecurities that hold me back from expressing myself, becoming a more truly authentic individual.
No more suppression. If you wanna hang, you gotta be honest. Get Self-honest.
Special thanks to Lindsay Craver for writing this blog: Stop Suppression to Stop Possession: Dare to Share that I had read prior to this new relationship, and it served as background knowledge that helped me identify my suppression pattern early.