First point suppressed…

I was able to consciously observe and stop a point from being suppressed.

Check this out,

New girl: talkative, cute, smart, expressive

Me: patient, good listener, compassionate

After a week and half, I started to feel “communicatively cramped”

My patience runs thinner as remain considerate and patient beyond what’s comfortable. Now, I chalk it up to our different communication styles, her’s more assertive than mine; but initially, my reaction is to project my frustration. I think it’s an ego protection mechanism: blindness of self; taking myself out of the equation so I don’t have to change.

So, not being able to express myself as fully as I would like because she is talkative, created a frustration of which thought-blame served as a futile outlet, only supporting me in my efforts to suppress the frustration point and in so doing, furthering me from realizing myself as the cause.

I realized the suppression when it expressed itself through my choice of words/tone, essentially where I was speaking from(the feeling/motivation behind my message). When caught myself, I was like “WOAH,” I am NOT going into this familiar destructive relationship dynamic. Not this time, not again.

First, I internalize the frustration, and take responsibility for not taking more control of the flow of conversation. I’d be way happy with equal relational input, across the board. Wouldn’t anyone? But I now understand that I have to identify and overcome my own communication fears and facilitate that equal communication climate.

Second step, started writing this post.

Then, I had a (not-so, should been more) delicate conversation with her. But at least I stood up and spoke about what I was beginning to suppress. Graceful honesty doesn’t come naturally. “Practice, makes perfect” I suppose.

The key lies in taking responsibility for my own internal experience; although, it is not instantly apparent when I blame or push responsibility onto others. I do it. It’s tricky because from the ignorant mindset of ego, how would you ever come to realize something like this.. As I continue to align my perspective with Best for All, I continue to expose myself to myself and see myself from a more vast perspective than my mind would normally allow. If I keep this suppression awareness up, I will theoretically eventually expose all fears and insecurities that hold me back from expressing myself, becoming a more truly authentic individual.

No more suppression. If you wanna hang, you gotta be honest. Get Self-honest.


Special thanks to Lindsay Craver for writing this blog: Stop Suppression to Stop Possession: Dare to Share that I had read prior to this new relationship, and it served as background knowledge that helped me identify my suppression pattern early.


Only Self and Mind

When thinking about any particular relationship when they are not present, should be a crime.

As with thoughts, there is only mind.

If not present, here with the real, physical reality;
the dominating thoughts running rampant,

Responsibility must be taken.

Awareness of self is awareness of mind,
a change of mind is a change of self.

See who you are, observe your mind

Change who you are, live a life that’s best for all.

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Egocentric awareness hurts good

Awareness of my ego is just the beginning.

This week, I’ve had repeated lessons involving my ego showing me the extent of it’s control over my freewill. I so often slip up and take on the I behind the drive to be BEST, belittling those around me or worse. After I’ve executed the ego-gain thought with words, all my nicely worded stings are more apparently than ever before, still stings. I’m asserting a particular energy with whatever skill set and am attempting to grab more, in a general sense. My self doubt needs to hide under my ego’s reassurance regimen, seizing opportunities to show other minds, how powerful I’ve (ego) become. Some are impressed, some see the jackass in me, many times both. I have always been so concerned with upping my ego-status, that I couldn’t see the outflow of what I said. I’ve let words fly that would put a grimace on my face if I ever heard a recording of them.

Stopping the ego outburst in the heat of the moment is one of the hardest things to do, but it must be done.

I am making it a point to discover every way my ego exercises itself for gain or for any reason. Polarity indicates that my mind helps to keep in place the opposite depressive, self hating victum. I’ve met many people that use their ego to feel less than others, not a happy person usually. Don’t get me wrong,  Far from passive, I definitely want to succeed. But I also want to be very sure that my vision is aligned for Best for All outcome. Ignoring the outcome, has lead me to say some nasty things to people, especially those closest to me. With awareness, it is common sense to act in the interest for what is best for all life. Without awareness, leveraging oneself’s position is more important than outflow.

I’m gaining some sort of control of perspective. It’s like I’ve acquired another I. One is self-interested. One is more aware, of a bigger picture. For example, for the first time in my life, I’m caring for my health,  moving to a “cellular perspective” I tell people. I am continually researching how to cook, shop & eat healthy. I (ego) want to show you a picture of my first casserole! Poof…that was easy. Taking the first step was daunting for some reason, but it way worth it to be on the aware side of the coin.

Frenchie's Green Bean Casserole Recipes

my first kitchen/vegetable adventure!

Ultimate point: recognize you ego as much as you can, and know it gets a little scary as you align to a new perspective, especially if you love “yourself” (ego). Don’t be stubborn. Embark on your own personal mission to uncover who you’ve become, STOP fighting yourself, breathe, and do what’s Best For All; what’s best for Self. All as One and Equal.

How have I let this message integrate into my worldview? Life exists at very small scales. When I was little I was very intrigued by the idea that my cells worked together to make multi-cellular organs, that have come together to make me. It’s a wholesome perspective. The next step follows a linear line: all humans working together as one. I’m optimistic. Realistic, barely, but that’s enough. Chose which team you fight for: Separation or Integration.


P.S. Popping out of your ego is most effectively accomplished with conscious breath. Staying out can be difficult, and with all of the Self-Forgiveness I’m about to write out, I hope to alleviate some of my inattention. Example SF: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the context of my ego when relating to others, attempting to find myself in a better position.

Why I’ve taken on the challenge to hear the Desteni message

For power, actually.

I’ve witnessed myself build myself up through the mind, by putting my brother down. That’s were it stared anyways. I actually created a confident layer over my fears that worked, and still does. I’ve climbed the ladder within social comparison, collecting moments of “success” for me as ego. I assumed that the better I was in relation to others, the more confident I could be in my power/ability to dominate a situation. The insecurities and doubts running in the background were manageable with a layer added. I navigated through a lot of different relationships in this state. And I was winning. Had been losing though, the inverse, I think I would be very depressed. I think I depressed the lives around me as kind of an equal and opposite reaction to me. The ego I had created and have been continuing to allow for too long, existed almost entirely for the chance to see that I was better; my self interest, based in fears of being less.

I stop the layering of new personalities to cover up the fears. I am so damn clever that I can get away with creating successful layers to my personality all day. You might be asking, “The problem?” Answer: I was creating a personality that was greater, to cover the feeling of being lesser. When Desteni slapped me in the face with equality, I finally began to level myself. I am working towards deflating my ego to the point that I believe I am no better than any individual. …I have believed myself to be so significant, so important, so much more important that others, especially from the perspective of understanding, which I equate to being more powerful.

Now, my awareness of my mind is at an all time high. I have not changed as much as I would like, but that’s just my anxious tendency talking. My goal kind of remains the same: better myself so that I can better the world, except with a little twist…I am everyone else too! The Ultimate Goal: To stop contributing to the energies of our collective mind, by slowly switching stance from self interest to equality-fearless. So far, I have some knowledge. Now I have to stop thinking about it and apply it.

Aligning to a lifestyle in agreement with what is Best for All is a trip. A little scary, but facing yourself and your fears, inherently, must be scary. Do it because it’s worth it. You do it because it’s the best thing you can do for yourself; it’s the best thing you can do for others…that’s pretty much everyone.

If you’re curious and have 40 minutes, this is a revealing break down of the issue at hand:

Take the easy way = layers of ignorance and self protection; take on the challenge = see your mind

How Desteni was able to enter into my worldview.

I have always been too curious to dismiss a new belief system. That’s been the contrasting difference between myself and the friends I have who refuse to take a closer look at Desteni. I grew up with a strong burning desire to find truth. Google was my go to, not my pastor. I’ve cycled through many spiritual insights while continually changing and updating my beliefs as I went. I liked my open minded, dynamic belief system because I was becoming more insightful than my peers in my head. I was buying up spiritual books like they were candy, and even went as far as eating white powdered gold (from to “activate my DNA” and have the 2 hemispheres of my brain communicate with each other more efficiently so that I would be spiritually advanced and shit.

I was developing a strong ego within my research. My whole starting point as a Truthseeker, was to become the best, most knowledgeable and powerful amongst  my peers. I was afraid that I wasn’t great. I was scared to be inferior. So I reacted by making it my life mission to acquire knowledge and school my dumb friends to feel smart and superior.

Soon after I started subscribing to Cory Herter’s perspective and  bought 100 Sacred Geometry posters for $100, I found some peculiar videos on YouTube. The Desteniproductions channel on YouTube blew my mind (has since been shut down; they’re currently re-uploading their massive collection of videos). There were so many contradictions and complicated points, many of which seemed way out there, bizarre even! But…their message tingled of truth. I had to keep checking it out.

So now my world is upside-down. The spiritual ladder of greatness I had been so invested in is now the wrong direction according to this new information. It was so hard to assimilate, that I kind of created a different dimension of new knowledge in my mind that I used to further this ego position of mine. They grabbed my grabbable ego, gave me some foreign  tools like awareness of breath in every moment & self forgiveness, and I started on a path of actually seeing just how fucked up I am.

The first 6 months were intense as I willfully began to align with the information. Lots of overlap with bits of information I’ve seen before in my 2012 research. The reptilians, the notion of Oneness, and the limitations of the mind were all very intriguing to me. I couldn’t put it my computer down. I felt as if I not only found something really great, but I was still ego-tripping.

Now, with 2 years under my belt, the personal realizations are just getting more intense. I experienced a lot of resistance/reluctance with doing Self-forgiveness, but just recently I experienced a break through: I forgave myself for being a jackass to my brother. This brought me to tears. I couldn’t believe that I’ve been such an asshole for so long, playing ego games and fighting to make sure I was on top. It was a definite release.

I’ve been keeping a journal of my process which I am extremely grateful for, but it’s time to go public. This is my first Blog about the Desteni perspective from my perspective, and I do intend to keep writing and sharing my process with any one interested in reading it. I’ll keep it as clear and concise as I can because an attempt to learn directly from Desteni could be very difficult to accept if you are already sure of who you are. Enjoy & please share your your 2 cents with me. Thanks.